Not Another Monday

for those who know the ache of Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Child loss

It was the day after Father’s Day and I was especially excited to go to work that morning. The wait was over. I was going to tell my boss and colleagues that my husband and I would be welcoming a hatchling in six months. Due date: January 11th.

Keeping it secret for the customary three  months was excruciatingly difficult and seemed ridiculous, even though they weren’t able to find the heartbeat using ultrasound a couple of weeks before. “It’s not uncommon,” the gynecologist assured me.”It’s still very early and it may be too weak. We’ll pick it up next visit. All you’re other indicators are strong.”  I believed her. I had to.

I arrived at my office by 8:00am.  Once let loose the happy news traveled through the office at the speed of gossip and the morning was filled with congratulatory hugs and taps on the door from the receptionist to the partners.  I donned  the glow of expected motherhood.

The spotting started just before noon.

I raced back to my office, speaking to no one, shut the door and called my husband first. Then the gynecologist.

At 3:00pm, after drinking gallons of water as instructed on the phone, I was in an outer room waiting for another ultrasound and exam. I was doubled over by the urge to pee and the tumbling with the fear that my bladder might burst right there.

By 4:00pm I was on the doctor’s office phone scheduling a D&C.

I don’t remember the drive home. Only that I spent the next week balled into the corner of the sofa, my eyes swollen shut from crying, tarred by an ache that wouldn’t dull.

A week later I went to work and did my job just like the hundreds of other Mondays before the Monday before.

But now everything was different. Even Mondays. I’d never be a woman who had not lost a child to miscarriage. Once you’re that woman, you are always that woman.  And yes, the good news is you go on even on the difficult days. And you heal. But that person, that baby remains woven into your DNA, and your heart.

These XIZOZU were created for you to wear as touchstone of love and remembrance.
Honoring women who have lost children through miscarriage


For comfort and remembrance of miscarriage
Honoring the loss of a stillborn child


For comfort and remembrance of a stillborn child
Loss of a child


Comfort and Remembrance of the the loss of a child

The Many Journeys on the Motherhood Path

When mothers day brings sorrowIn a couple of weeks we’ll be celebrating Mother’s Day, which may be the biggest breakfast-in-bed holiday of all time. No one deserves the recognition more than moms and we’re not only thankful, but in total freakin’ awe of every mum, mommy, mama, and mother out there! We applaud every marvelous women fortunate enough to spend the day “any way she wants,” encircled by her loving children—or at the very least surrounded by sweet bouquets and cards they sent.

But our larger mission is in supporting the woman who, for a host of reasons, won’t have giggling children fluffing her pillow and presenting her with a flower-adorned tray of fruit and pancakes. We want those women to remember, you’re not alone. You’ll be among countless women cradling more leaden emotions that are equally sacred.

We’re with you too. We understand. Your journey to motherhood might be winding and complicated. XIZOZU exist to hold space for you, wherever you are on your personal path. And to provide a peaceful point of strength during your fragile times.

These XIZOZU were created to embrace all the shapes of motherhood:

I Chose to Not Have ChildrenI Foster Parent
I Struggle with InfertilityI Raised My Siblings
I Lost a Child by MiscarriageI'm Raising My Grandchildren
I’m a Mother of A StillbornI Lost my Child
I’m a Single MotherI Lost my Daughter
I’m an Adoptive Parent I Lost my Son
I’m a Biological MotherI’m a Surrogate Mother

M. from Florida

Customers Share:

Trigger warning: Some of our customers have experienced unfathomable situations. Please be aware that certain stories might be upsetting and difficult to read.

I was 14 when my mother was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and we became aware that she needed a liver transplant to survive . Fortunately with a few bumps and bruises she received her transplant within a year and a half but during that time , I became ill and started my journey with mental illness.

During my freshman year of college, I was raped and then I ended up in an abusive relationship that lasted three years and took strategic planning to leave and that was 15 years ago. 

Because of my history, I’ve now developed PTSD, which I’m currently trying to heal from along with managing the rest of my medical conditions: depression, anxiety, panic attacks , ADD and chronic insomnia. But I keep on trucking.

I’ve learned even when you think you can’t, you can.

M. from Florida
“XIZOZU is being able to share my experiences with others but without having to reveal it to everyone.”

Resources that M. would like to share with you:

U.S. Government Information on Organ Donation and Transplantation

The Younique Foundation’s Haven Retreat for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse


How about you? What makes you indestructible? Tell us here.

Barbara in Maryland

Customers Share:

Trigger warning: Some of our customers have experienced unfathomable situations. Please be aware that certain stories might be upsetting and difficult to read.

When my husband died unexpectedly, I stopped breathing too. I thought I’d never be able to breathe again. The only feeling I felt was pain. All I could do was sleep but not in our bed, on the couch. I slept for days. It was months before I was able to hear his name and not collapse into my grief. People tried very hard to make me feel better and I appreciated them trying to support me. I wish they understood that I couldn’t be automatically pushed back into happiness and that pretending I wasn’t hurting only made me hurt more. It took me more than a year to get to a place where I wasn’t always anchored down by my grief. My sister gave me a XIZOZU to honor his passing and when I touch it I feel just a little closer to him. Thank you for that. There are still days when it feels like work to put one foot in front of the other but they’re less and less. And there are some days when I can see him with my heart, and I smile instead of weep. 

Barbara in Maryland


How about you? What makes you indestructible? Tell us here.

The Nudge I Needed

I’ll be honest – launching XIZOZU™ has been among the most rewarding and the most challenging projects I’ve ever undertaken. The times when doubts creep in and I wonder…is this really a thing?…are thankfully few, but the second-guessing does happen. Then I get an email like this…

2/10/18

My XIZOZU arrived yesterday, it was a gift from my mother-in-law and I haven’t taken it off. It’s like a source of renewable energy that I can draw from whenever my grief weakens me…I love that no one else knows its meaning. People just think it’s beautiful. I do too. Thank you. Thank you.

M. in Massachusetts

…and I know exactly where my path is leading. Thank you universe.

When One Person Is Five People

Losing a loved one impacts so many relationships.

Bereavement and greif, how to honor the life of a loved one who has passed. Just before Christmas I received an order for five XIZOZU: Loss of Wife, Loss of Sister, Loss of Daughter, Loss of Mother, Caregiver.

I got teary. Instantly.

It was impossible to miss the far-reaching impact that the passing of this one woman had in her world.

I was glad to create medals that would be reminders of each of those sacred connections and also containers for the love that could no longer be physically expressed. I poured all my comforting energy into each of those medals.

It’s easy to forget how deeply each of us touches so many others on a given day, in a given lifetime. As I packaged the order up for delivery I whispered a promise to myself to be better about valuing each of spaces I occupy in other people’s lives. 

Have you thought about how many roles you fill in your everyday life? The list grows quickly once you start making it. Believe me.

Thanks for reading,
Christine

View Current Medals

In Time for Christmas

Remembrance jewelry lets you honor your loved ones and keep them near to your heart
Stylish, discrete packaging allows customers to not reveal the meaning of their XIZOZU™
XIZOZU™ Medals of Honor empower women to honor their hourney but say it in secret.

If you still want a XIZOZU for yourself or as a gift in time for Christmas, I have  XIZOZU™ in hand that can be shipped standard or express service through December 21st!

Plus you save! Each medal is only $20.00 shipping!

HERE’S THE COMPLETE LIST

Let me know which XIZOZU™ medals you’d like and we can take care of the details via Etsy or Paypal.

Don’t wait though! Once these are gone I won’t be making more until after Christmas!

 

Missing the Bluebirds

How to deal with the loss of a loved one

We enjoyed hosting two separate broods of nesting bluebirds in our bluebird box this season. The first one came in early spring, the second moved in soon after the original tenants departed.

I glimpsed them often as the parents tirelessly fed, cleaned house, and protected their families from predators. Like small blue drops of glee, they flitted through my world and I smiled inside. It was all so marvelous and, I knew, temporary.  Continue reading “Missing the Bluebirds”

Go On.

Having a child taken awayThe labor was no more or less difficult than any other. It might have come a day early or been a day late, there was little science in due dates. Breathing and pushing. Groaning. The same old story. A woeful moan. The mother, you could see, was growing understandably weary. How long had she been at this? And had she expected to do it alone? It seemed the only thing that kept her going was the sense that the next push could be the last. That, and perhaps the subconscious certainty that she didn’t want it left there, stuck half in, half out. By the time the head finally presented it took only a few more determined thrusts before the newborn slid out and dropped to the muddy earth. Her moaning immediately ceased. For a time-warping instant the two of them, mother and baby, tried to understand this perplexing new universe that now, for the first time, had the other one in it. Separately. Together. Instinctively the mother moved toward the tiny newborn who was still wrinkled with trauma and wonder, still somewhat paralyzed by its own exhausting journey.

Nose to nose the two introduced themselves. There was no name for the baby on the mother’s tongue, just unattributed gladness for having survived the long pregnancy and the birth. The baby didn’t know what to want first.

The infant, still wet with its mother’s juices but having never tasted her milk, was lifted by a pair of leathery hands that appeared out of nowhere. They had been watching her after all. The man raised the baby to his shoulder and simply started walking away. Of course, she tried to stop him. She ran around him splattering mud all about. She charged forward but it was a bluff and the man knew it; he didn’t flinch. She knew it too. The infant let out a frightened bleat as it was lowered into a green metal wheelbarrow. The man pushed forward. She kept a frantic step alongside them and when the wheel of the cart stopped dead, laden with mud, she hurried to the baby and put her lips to its head. Her pleading moans were dismissed by the man who hollered for her to get away as he hoisted himself up from the mire after freeing the wheel. “Get! Go on!” She retreated and watched him cart away her son. Then she stood still, longer than time did, dolefully crooning in a rich baritone.

 

The Medals We’ve Earned – Survey

The achievements, roles and experiences of women

In a loooong texting session with a friend last night we wound up “discussing” the many XIZOZU medals that we each could personally claim. She offered her list and wow! Was I shocked by the length of her list and by the number of achievements, roles, and situations that she’d experienced that I didn’t know about and that I hadn’t already designed medals or survivor jewelry for.

So I thought I’d ask you. This quick survey is completely anonymous. I don’t ask your name or email. No identifying information whatsoever. So please be as upfront and honest as you can. I simply want to know – how many badges have you earned at this point in your life? And how many have I not thought about? It’s a great help! Thank you.

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