It was the day after Father’s Day and I was especially excited to go to work that morning. The wait was over. I was going to tell my boss and colleagues that my husband and I would be welcoming a hatchling in six months. Due date: January 11th.
Keeping it secret for the customary three months was excruciatingly difficult and seemed ridiculous, even though they weren’t able to find the heartbeat using ultrasound a couple of weeks before. “It’s not uncommon,” the gynecologist assured me.”It’s still very early and it may be too weak. We’ll pick it up next visit. All you’re other indicators are strong.” I believed her. I had to.
I arrived at my office by 8:00am. Once let loose the happy news traveled through the office at the speed of gossip and the morning was filled with congratulatory hugs and taps on the door from the receptionist to the partners. I donned the glow of expected motherhood.
The spotting started just before noon.
I raced back to my office, speaking to no one, shut the door and called my husband first. Then the gynecologist.
At 3:00pm, after drinking gallons of water as instructed on the phone, I was in an outer room waiting for another ultrasound and exam. I was doubled over by the urge to pee and the tumbling with the fear that my bladder might burst right there.
By 4:00pm I was on the doctor’s office phone scheduling a D&C.
I don’t remember the drive home. Only that I spent the next week balled into the corner of the sofa, my eyes swollen shut from crying, tarred by an ache that wouldn’t dull.
A week later I went to work and did my job just like the hundreds of other Mondays before the Monday before.
But now everything was different. Even Mondays. I’d never be a woman who had not lost a child to miscarriage. Once you’re that woman, you are always that woman. And yes, the good news is you go on even on the difficult days. And you heal. But that person, that baby remains woven into your DNA, and your heart.
These XIZOZU were created for you to wear as touchstone of love and remembrance.
In a couple of weeks we’ll be celebrating Mother’s Day, which may be the biggest breakfast-in-bed holiday of all time. No one deserves the recognition more than moms and we’re not only thankful, but in total freakin’ awe of every mum, mommy, mama, and mother out there! We applaud every marvelous women fortunate enough to spend the day “any way she wants,” encircled by her loving children—or at the very least surrounded by sweet bouquets and cards they sent.
But our larger mission is in supporting the woman who, for a host of reasons, won’t have giggling children fluffing her pillow and presenting her with a flower-adorned tray of fruit and pancakes. We want those women to remember, you’re not alone. You’ll be among countless women cradling more leaden emotions that are equally sacred.
We’re with you too. We understand. Your journey to motherhood might be winding and complicated. XIZOZU exist to hold space for you, wherever you are on your personal path. And to provide a peaceful point of strength during your fragile times.
These XIZOZU were created to embrace all the shapes of motherhood:
I’ll be honest – launching XIZOZU™ has been among the most rewarding and the most challenging projects I’ve ever undertaken. The times when doubts creep in and I wonder…is this really a thing?…are thankfully few, but the second-guessing does happen. Then I get an email like this…
My XIZOZU arrived yesterday, it was a gift from my mother-in-law and I haven’t taken it off. It’s like a source of renewable energy that I can draw from whenever my grief weakens me…I love that no one else knows its meaning. People just think it’s beautiful. I do too. Thank you. Thank you.
M. in Massachusetts
…and I know exactly where my path is leading. Thank you universe.
This week’s eight things that are worth sharing with friends
Issue #3: Learn to Shift
Creating a life that’s more than standard! What I learned this week about the incredible change that can happen from small shifts.
APPROACH: Whenever I give my OCD friend who loves to clean a hard time, she tells me I’m just compulsively messy. Touché. Imagine my glee when I learned we can all have tidy houses without donating entire days to cleaning the them! Wheeeee!
TIME: Speaking of time not spent doing something, imagine what you could accomplish just by changing how you spend ten minutes a day? After spending 10 mintues reading One Hundred Blocks, I’ve been loosely tracking my day in ten minute blocks. If nothing else, this helped put the time I waste on social media into perspective. We made an easily printable form for you to try it yourself.
It was impossible to miss the far-reaching impact that the passing of this one woman had in her world.
I was glad to create medals that would be reminders of each of those sacred connections and also containers for the love that could no longer be physically expressed. I poured all my comforting energy into each of those medals.
It’s easy to forget how deeply each of us touches so many others on a given day, in a given lifetime. As I packaged the order up for delivery I whispered a promise to myself to be better about valuing each of spaces I occupy in other people’s lives.
Have you thought about how many roles you fill in your everyday life? The list grows quickly once you start making it. Believe me.
Without making me sound like more of a party animal than I actually am, a couple of weekends ago I wound up at two local parties on the same day. Both were casual outdoor gatherings commemorating summer’s passing. Someone was wearing a XIZOZU™ medals pendant at each of them.
Confession: I still (and will probably always) get a little thrill when I unexpectedly spot someone sporting XIZOZU™ pendants out in the wild.
At the first party the woman wore three classic bronze with black pendants close to her heart dangling from a leather cord. At the second the woman wore three similar medals but closer to her neck on a black wire choker.
Those two women were as uniquely opposite, at least on the surface, as two females can be, as were the medals the wore.
Yet they were both quite similar too. Both were equally and rightfully proud of what they had accomplished.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
The first woman’s set honored overcoming challenges, the second woman’s set celebrated meeting them. Similar results, but with a small but significant difference.
Sometimes we choose our challenges, like deciding to run a marathon or buy a home. Here we need to focus our energy and summon our discipline to achieve these things.
Other times challenges appear in our paths uninvited, and we have no choice but to find a way through, or around them. Those hardships and traumatic episodes require us to fight for our selves, in the truest, deepest meaning possible, physically or mentally.
In each case, the work is hard. In both cases they deserve medals.
Yesterday’s post about my father’s suicide received a lot of positive attention both here on the blog and in conversations on Facebook.
It was wonderful to see the dialog about mental wellness and suicide open up around me, but what was equally striking was the number of private messages I received in which people privately expressed their experiences with suicide. Those who reached out via text and email wanted to share their thoughts and memories, but confidentially.
That’s exactly what XIZOZU’s all about. The ability to honor an event or emotion, while still keeping it secret.
Above is one of the XIZOZU™ I will be likely wearing for the next few weeks. Its one I wear often. It honors the loss of a loved one through suicide. It’s where I can direct my affection, and sometimes draw bit of strength, anytime I’m move to, especially when I touch it.
Honor your own achievements, challenges and loss with your won medals.